Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
