I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Randomize
