Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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