Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
