Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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