do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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