I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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