My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
