Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
