I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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