yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
