We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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