I want to make a zoo with you.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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