The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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