His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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