He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
