Where is the hickey?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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