I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
