I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
