Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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