Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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