mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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