So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
