My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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