don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
