just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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