the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
