that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
