true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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