her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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