oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
