So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
