also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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