my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
