I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
