His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
