i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
