I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
