My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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