you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
