just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Randomize
