You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
