I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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