my vag is so smooth its legendary
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
