Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
