I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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