On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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