I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
