i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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