I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
